Jungle Elixir

Posted: April 29, 2013 in Concrete Jungle Life
Tags: , ,

A colleague of mine came over to my desk and inquired about my cup of sinful goodness. Tempted, I wanted to respond “I’m sippin’ on gin and juice. Laid back. Got my mind on my money and my money on my mind” (The Great Snoop Dogg), instead I answered “Svelte Cappuccino organic protein shake.” With an incredible look of confusion on his face I continued, “It is because I am lactose in-tol-er-rante.” The young stallion nodded in solemn agreement and galloped into the horizon.

A few hours later, I leaped out of my cage (cubicle) seeking to satisfy my thirst again. The Jungle Burger Joint was crowded today so I headed over to the drinking section: health drinks, water, soda, and good ole fashion milk. I wonder why they do not sell tequila shots to calm our nerves when stress levels are high. Perhaps it is an occupational hazard.
Anyway, right before I pay for my healthy choice, I saw on the flat screen jungle elixir sold at the Jungle Burger Joint. It was called Liquid Voodoo and it is a two pack deal in the following flavors: Grape Grandiose, Codependent Coca Cola, Irish Crème Irresponsible, Egg Nog Envy (for the holiday season), and Peach Flavored Perfectionist. Results guaranteed only if you follow the directions.

Here is how it works. The manipulator and minion must take the liquid voodoo together. First shake gently and sip slowly. Manipulator first and then minion. Wait 3-5 seconds and voila! Before you know that liquid elixir begins to take effect. Symptoms are excessive flattery, flaming sarcasm, enmeshment, lying, negativism, entitlement, guilt trips, victimization, passive aggressive fault finders, romanticizing, self-promotion, self-loathing of which seeing and listening to this crap all day gives you chronic headaches, gastrointestinal problems, back pain, and an inescapable desire to jump off the top floor.

WARNING: Not to be used as infant formula.

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