The True Resume

Posted: March 31, 2014 in Concrete Jungle Life
Tags: , , , ,

SOCIAL VAMPIRE
103 Twilight Boulevard, Casket 1404 • Forks, Washington 00000 • (666) 666-6666 • cullenlookalike_7@gmail.com

Target Position: YOURS

PROFESSIONAL SUMMARY
Pure-ty schmuck with over ten years of accumulated experience of showing up on the job. L-A-Z-Y. Easily distracted, strong complainer, timewaster, dreamer, and cubicle dweller. I sound intelligent. Broad-based but transferrable understanding of nothing. I do just enough to get by.

PROFESSIONAL COMPETENCIES
Liar • Internet Research • Quiz Taker • Cafeteria Entrepreneur • Pet Saga• Candy Crush

PROFESSIONAL EXPERIENCE
Pizza Hood, Bolivia, TX 2010-Present
Operations Specialist I (2013-Whenever)
~Take two hour lunch breaks.
~Come in whenever I feel like it, like come in late and leave early,
~Always have an excuse as to why I cannot do overtime.
~Act stupid so I can pass off the hard work to someone else.
~Stay at other people’s cubicle and hog up all their time.
~Complain incessantly as to the reason why people don’t like me.
~Play the victim. Sulk all day. I am drama waiting to happen.
~Gossip. Lie.
~Only come in early when there is free food.

Pizza Wanna Be, Bolivia, TX 2003-2010
Level 1A Manager
~Passed the buck!
~Complained about how I wasn’t getting paid.
~Brought home dinner every night because I was entitled to it.
~Used company phone to talk about sports.
~Used the company line of credit for grocery shopping.
~Was trained but it didn’t help because I wasn’t listening anyway.
~Hoarded information. Gossiped. Lied.
~Tried to sound intelligent on conference calls.
~Spent a majority of my time looking for someone to complete me.

TECHNICAL EXPERIENCE
Computer Skills: Word (Only used to do homework), Excel, PowerPoint (Never used it), Outlook, Visio (Never used it), Access (This is a LIE)

EDUCATION
I’m working on that. Word!

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Comments
  1. Susan P says:

    Awesome! That will get him/her a great job. Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn’t be easier to build my own business.

  2. Okay, I would not only never hire this guy/gal, I’d get rid of him/her.

  3. The Dancing Rider says:

    You had me at “Social Vampire”! LOL! I love this!

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