Workplace Bathroom Etiquette

Posted: August 26, 2014 in Rat Race
Tags: , , ,

You know there are times when you know you have to handle your business. Waiting is not an option. Driving home to use your own bathroom because you live right up the street from work is not a luxury that many can afford. So you are left to do the needful. Relieve yourself from the burdens of this ole world.

It has been my professional corporate hood experience that workplace bathrooms can be just as nasty and disgusting as night club bathrooms, so we would do well to exercise sanitary caution. In order to promote a safe and clean bathroom experience let me provide a few of the ongoing dilemmas and propose a few solutions.

The Big Dump

Sometimes entering workplace bathrooms is like preparing for battle minus the gas mask. You know what I am talking about, those big nasty dumps oozing with the aroma of disgusting farts. These are not to be confused with the psychologically acceptable farts that sound like trumpets minus the gaseous fumes or the quiet but well-timed pearl farts that clap as if to give the suspecting fellow bathroom listener an iTune beat. I mean those down-right nasty, STAKIN’ ATOMIC BOMB farts that cause future victims to hold their breath and run for the hills. You know the kind that has you on a witch hunt looking for bathrooms on the third, fourth, even the fifth floor because God forbid you picked up the fumes of the guilty toilet bowl offender.

Solution: Be proactive. Plan and strategize in advance. Locate a nice quiet place with low traffic and an easy escape route (like an elevator or stair case) and bring a trial size of Clorox to sanitize the toilet bowl to de-funk-i-fy before you exit.

Missing Butt Wipes

Ah! The success that comes with a new promotion which brings me to my next point. Perhaps promotion means entitlement and entitlement means take a roll of toilet tissue to use at home? How come the bathrooms are never fully stocked? Do you know how frustrating it is to rush to the bathroom right before the conference call, never bother to look only to discover there is no toilet tissue?

Solution: Observe and journal. If the bathroom smells like hot collard greens, cheese doodles, and tortilla chips and it is only 10 a.m., bring your own stash of baby wipes and don’t tell a soul. If need be, you might have to put your feet up in the stall in case someone is waiting to use the bathroom after you so they won’t blame you for using up all the non-existent toilet tissue.

Rain Droplets

Understandably there are some who are super conscious of their health and will not use the paper covers on the toilet seats. Instead some opt to squat or stand man-vertical and splatter making it rain on the toilet seat.

Solution: If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie.

Weave Me Alone

This is a hard one because I am not sure if the suspect was primping in the mirror, minding her own business after she finished or was trying to correct her style for pleasing aesthetic purposes right before hitting the club after work. Nevertheless, a piece of her glory lies helplessly on the floor or it is clutching a portion of the toilet bowl. You know that part right in between the flusher thigamagiggy and the toilet seat.

Solution: Fire your weavologist.

It’s your gurl Lady Cheetah. Be good in the Corporate Hood.

  1. The Lite Rider says:

    Goodness! All true, and one of the things I don’t miss from work!

  2. Deanmcsmith says:

    Thank you for a great laugh on a grey day 🙂

  3. Haha! And it is true. I’m of the opinion we need more dynamite to deal with it.

  4. Susan P says:

    Laughing! Yep, too, too true.

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